It’s that time of year where we decide to be better people. We decide on lofty goals (like finding happiness, improving time management or getting organized.) Then, a predictable sequence of events takes place (what can I say? I’m a cynic.)

1. Determination

You are fully committed to your goal. You research every possible angle to make sure your mission goes off without a hitch. YOU WILL SUCCEED. 

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2. Advertising

You tell the entire world. You become a salad-vangelist. A resolution is like the opposite of a wish on a birthday cake. If you wish on a birthday cake, you don’t tell anyone, and it probably doesn’t come true. A resolution is something you have to tell everybody for it to not come true. They are tricky like that. 

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3. Sanctimony

You start to believe having your goal makes you better than other people. You look down on people from your mound of kale and moral superiority. You have willpower for days. 

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4. Weakening of Resolve

You aren’t as strong as you used to be. It’s not that you don’t believe in your goal, it’s just that it’s really hard and all or nothing thinking has taken over. You can feel your grasp on being better than everyone else and the likelihood of achieving your goal is slipping away. 

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4. That First Slip Up

So you messed up and accidentally ate a poutine or had a cigarette or showed up late for an appointment. It happens right? 

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5. Rage Quitting

You finally lose your grip on whatever crazy thing you were trying to do and give up overnight, dramatically, and loudly. It was probably a stupid goal anyways. This was clearly a waste of time and talent. There are worthier pursuits. 

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6. Rebound

Whatever you were planning to do you totally do the opposite of. You are the self-appointed mayor of YOLO town. 

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7. Amnesia

Resolution what? Eventually, you won’t even remember you tried to love salad, read more, drink more water, whatever was going to make you a better person. 

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Until next January, of course, when that thing is incredibly important again and people who don’t understand your dedication to it are once again peasants. It’s like that movie Groundhog day but with salads. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

What were your resolutions this year?

 

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