It’s Saturday night and we live in the suburbs.  I feel like we actually live in the suburbs of the suburbs, in the bedroom community of a bedroom community, it’s like a pyramid scheme of picket fences. I worked all day, we attended a dance recital and then we went to a local place we love because delicious berry mojitos and chicken wings. The last time we went there we hatched a not-entirely-well-thought-out plan to launch a food truck business where we only sold melted cheese and we would call it Fondude.

“I don’t know about this plan, man! You need like a heat source to melt it and do proper fondu. I mean we could provide one to each customer but that’s not very environmentally sustainable and our margins would be very small as a result.” 

As it turns out, I’m very entrepreneurial minded on the rare occasions that I drink but nothing ever comes of it because I also become incredibly lazy. That’s also why I wake up with yesterday’s makeup still on. I didn’t put any on today because I’m a problem solver like that and also I forgot. 

We were hoping more magical ideas would come of our night out. We came up with a couple but I’m not going to tell you what they were in case they get stolen because I told people on Facebook about Fondude and now the domain name is gone. We had evolved the idea into opening instead a fancy cheese shop which we would call Fondude Specialcheese Shop (you know, instead of specialty) but now we can’t do it and I’m also kinda hungry for cheese. Un-brie-lievably gouda cheese. 

Anyways, this was how the rest of our night went down: 

Phase One: Random Acts of Karaoke

This was not an officially sanctioned event, we engaged in acts of guerrilla karaoke. My boyfriend does an excellent boy band impression within the parameters of a restaurant booth. He is not a very good Britney Spears but he is a fairly decent Smashmouth. 

Phase Two: Weirding Out The Waitress (Unintentionally)

Her: So are we miming here or what is going on? 

Us: We are pretending to be lyrical dancers stuck in a box

Her: We are closing soon.

Can’t say that we blame her. Then I showed her the picture of the time my boyfriend wore my Mean Girls t-shirt and we laughed and laughed. Then we left and she probably thanked the patron saint of tipsy-wantrepreneurs-who-karaoke-badly-but hopefully-tip-ok. 

Phase Three: Autocorrect Tells Me I’m Boring.

Well not in so many words. It’s just that I texted someone to say I had two mojitos and autocorrect is like “That sounds unlikely. More likely: You had two monitors. You strike me more as a two monitor kind of girl.” When you’re 33 apparently peripherals>potables. I don’t actually have two monitors and I didn’t drink enough to see double on my own so here we are, with autocorrect telling me I’m boring. 

Phase Four: I Invent a New Word, Proving Autocorrect Wrong

When my boyfriend and I go on car rides, we like to make up words. I made up a word on my own when we got home. I was on Facebook and someone tagged my Facebook friend Jennifer Lawson in something about a raccoon in a canoe because Jenny loves taxidermied raccoons (seriously, read FURIOUSLY HAPPY and her first book and the story will make more sense, I don’t really have time to tell you all about it here. I am also aware using Facebook twice in a sentence looks redundant but I felt the need to clarify the nature of our relationship because if you ask her about me she probably won’t know who I am because she is very smart and famous and I drunkenly invent businesses about cheese that I will never open.) Anyways, her friend said the little guy was in a raccanoe which I thought was hilarious. I further postulated that if he were telling stories while paddling, he would be a raccoonteur (this is the part where you are supposed to laugh and don’t make me explain the joke.) *Low budget laugh track* 

So that’s the story of Saturday in the suburbs. I don’t know what people around here do after 11 pm except go all Hemingway and blog drunk, edit sober (if I remember I wrote this tomorrow.) If you figure out how to make Fondude environmentally sustainable but with decent margins we should totally talk, bring your own mojitos/monitors. 

1 Comment

Write A Comment